Ruin anyone anywhere. Your penis
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histories, best loan rates, amateur wives.
This is what they don't want you to know.
Levitra. Cialis. Viagra.
Turn your worm into a snake. Make women scream.

Go ahead and scream
at your boss, that penis.
You could invent the next Viagra
working from home! All you need is credit
and we're here for you, even if everyone you know
thinks you're a schmuck, even your wife.

With our hot young Russian mail-order wives
you wouldn't have to understand them when they scream.
That's about all they're good for, you know.
Grow hair on your chest, enlarge your penis;
puberty's over before you credit
it, bub, from here on it's mortgages and Viagra.

Choke your chicken with both hands! With Viagra
you'll never hear another complaint from your wife.
We don't care if you have bad credit,
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Write us a check today, pencil or pen is
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where you live. Learn what Wall Street pros know!
What if you'd invested in Viagra
in 1987? A Swiss bank account is open, is
waiting for you to help the wife
of dead dictator Sani Abacha cream
off Nigeria's oil wealth. She just needs your credit

card number. "Socialism's discredited,"
she whispers seductively, "Those in the know
take all they can." But you're stuck at the screen,
cubicled, dumb with choice. Viagra
or Slim-Fast? Porn or mortgages? Your wife,
if you really had one, would say you think with your penis.

But ask yourself: what if this Viagra, that penis cream,
is your only creditable shot at a meatspace wife?
Don't press that delete key. We know more than you know.


     published in The New Pantagruel, Issue 2.2 (2005)